Growing Up is Never “Graceful”

There’s this saying that’s been floating around in my head: “Growing up gracefully,” and I hate it. Like I really fucking hate it. There is no way to grow up gracefully. No way. It’s impossible, implausible it’s impatient, it’s a million other words that start with im but it’s NOT graceful.

As a person who at 21 is still growing up I can attest to this, and I feel like I need to attest to this.

Here’s why:

I graduated in June, looked for jobs over the summer, and was offered a job (at my dream company) literally on the first day of September (it was a Thursday) ((idk why that matters)). For those looking in, that means my life is literally right on track. My t’s are crossed, my eyes are dotted. I’m basically a perfect example of a successful transition from student to fully-functioning young adult professional.

I guess this is all partially accurate. I have done things the way you’re “supposed to”. I have been lucky enough to move on to the next stage of my life quickly and relatively easily.

Check and check and check and check.

But despite all these perfectly crossed t’s and beautifully dotted i’s, I have certainly not as they say “grown up gracefully”.

Exhibit A:

-immediately following graduation in June, I decided not to begin looking for a job as I should have and as I, a shiny new graduate, was “supposed to.” No. I instead decided to have what I called my “Neverland summer” as in I am never growing up. As in I was going to-for-four-months be Peter Pan.

Exhibit B:

-As part of this, I went back to my summer job as a student. I worked at a strawberry farm selling wine, with people I thought were my best friends. Except it wasn’t fun anymore. I didn’t have anything in common with my much younger co-workers. Friendships that had once been my most solid foundation, my summer-job-bragging-right, quickly deteriorated, and with them, so did the only thing that made working a tedious, menial job tolerable.

And Honestly? That was brutal. I lost my friends. I lost my lifestyle and I lost the summer I’d been planning and wishing for the entire school year. I didn’t take any of that very well.

Not very graceful eh?

    Exhibit C:

-After this summer demise, I spent the rest of the summer looking for jobs, not hearing back and getting extremely discouraged. This is turn led to sleeping all day, Netflix binges and all around misery.

                NOT SO GRACEFUL EH?

Luckily before things were too far gone, I got that call. The one that told me I had an interview in a few days. The one that had the potential (not to be dramatic) but the potential to change my life, and it has.

I now work 9-5 five days a week. I commute with what seems to be everyone else on the freaking planet, and spend my down time doing errands, prepping meals for the week or doing other boring things that adults do, or should do, or whatever. Still, I wouldn’t say I’ve entered this new part of my life gracefully.

For one thing, I’m tired all the freaking time, like more tired than I ever thought possible. For another, I honked at a lady today for putting on lipstick at a red light (and almost gave her the finger too). I was once a very polite friendly driver. For another another, I haven’t been to a bar in two weeks (that’s a long time okay?). And in fact, I’m not really sure how to have an adult social life at all. Like what do adults even do for fun? Laundry???

Now, in case you’re reading this and still thinking I sound like I’m not adjusting too badly, I’d like to take a moment to tell you that I am and I’m not. I’d like to tell you that I finished my fourth day of work today and I came home excited to see my boyfriend and my rabbit, but also that my head was fucking killing me after being at work all day.

I’d like to tell you that I’m on the verge of a meltdown because I have to go to bed in like ten minutes and haven’t finished watching my show (which I will now have to pause and finish watching tomorrow after work which is basically like 500 years from now), but also that I’m kind of really excited to see what I get to work on tomorrow at the office.

Finally, I’d like to tell you that I’m not putting into words everything I’m feeling because there’s a chance my boss is reading this. However, I’d also like to tell you that despite all the doubt, the bitter-sweetness and whatever else I’m feeling about beginning this new (and seemingly never-ending) phase of life, I’m really really really grateful to have the opportunity to be where I am, to work where I do, to have the co-workers I do, and that I’m so excited for what’s next as a media production assistant at my new company.

Still though, growing up is hard, change is hard, and transition is really really fucking hard.

I know these things, you know these things, but as a seemingly functioning adult, I feel like it’s my duty to reiterate them, to tell you that no matter how graceful it looks on the outside, there’s nothing graceful about growing up, not at 5,6,7,8,9, not at 12, and definitely not at 21.

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10 thoughts on “Growing Up is Never “Graceful”

  1. Hannah, life will have many ups and downs. Friendships and jobs come and go. You are a wonderful person, who I am confident, will find your way through, around, under or over anything that is put in front of you. Grab life with both hands, whether it is the computer mouse, cell phone, basket of laundry, shopping cart or your wonderful man and keep going, and going, and going…… I can relate, if you ever want to chat, I am here. P.S. There are 2 sides to every situation. I too am less than pleased with my farm experience this past year. Both for myself and for my son, we have both left and won’t be back, EVER. I wish it well, I hope there is success for everyone. All my love, Auntie Val!!


    1. Auntie Val, I absolutely needed this comment, thank you so much for taking the time to write it!!! I am definitely doing my best and pushing through but it means a ton knowing you believe I’ll make it out on the other side ❤ It really does!!! And yes definitely, always two sides, I would never mean to offend or upset anyone by writing this, but it definitely wasn't what I was expecting, or hoping for and I'm glad to be out of there, but wish the best for it and I'm grateful for the good times I had there and for the things I learned.I hope you and the boys are doing well, and miss you like crazy!!!!!! Love you a million!!!!


  2. Life doesn’t always turn out the way we imagined or dreamed it would. There will always be obstacles. People that come and go. People that stay through thick and thin. I wish the farm and the people the best. Things change, each of us change, we grow (hopefully) and learn along the way! I am grateful for my experience there. The opportunity I was given. The people I met (like you), but it hurts sometimes to leave the things that gave us such joy, but it was fleeting. Time to find or make a different joy! Some days, even as a mother and grown woman, I still struggle and wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life, have I made a difference, am I happy? What is life all about….. Get up, got to work, groceries, laundry, clean house and start all over again next week. Being an adult is shitty!! Make the best of it, enjoy as much as you can, the sometimes small bursts of free time, time with friends, family, self…. ♥️🌻🍷


  3. Really enjoyed that Hannah! Had to chuckle at a lot of what you said. I too am in transition at the ripe age of 52!! Nothing ever seems to be graceful or perfect…only snippets here and there so enjoy those sweet little victories! Very proud of you, you’re a great girl, I love your fun energy. You will do just fine! Screw grace…just be you!


  4. I totally understand! Got promoted this year and basically had a year of a smile on my face at work and meltdowns at home…but, it got better! Adult game is hard and strange sometimes! I’m working on figuring out what the hell I want to do vs what I’m supposed to do. Thanks for sharing! I’ll hold up my end of the bargain and share my experiences on my blog too! We’re not alone!


    1. Thank you so much for the comment !! Definitely helps to know I’m not the only one struggling. But yes please share!! I’ve had a particularly brutal few weeks since this post, so your comment means a ton! Fingers crossed for both of us! Xo


    1. Thanks for the comment !! And it’s a mixed blessing haha, my job isn’t always what I thought it was going to be and its scary knowing there’s people waiting to take my place if I slip even a little, but I guess that’s the nature of the beast! You’re a very talented writer though and I’m sure you’ll find something soon, and if not, everything happens for a reason! (Desperate times call for desperate cliches haha, that one I’ve been using a lot this week). Anyway! Best of luck! Keep in touch !!!


  5. Hey Hannah! Congrats on your new job! I understand your situation very well because I’m in a similar situation too! I started my job at a library about a month ago, and although I love my job, I am still struggling to adjust to adult life. Good luck with everything and thank you for sharing!


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