I’ve cried at my computer screen more than a thousand times. I’ve let my heart bleed into the keys, put everything I was thinking, feeling or just needed to say, into flat words displayed as pixels on a screen. But for the first time, maybe ever, I haven’t been able to do this.
Everything I type feels wrong. Everything I want to say get’s lost, and whatever I’ve written seems to get backspaced away. For most people this wouldn’t be a big deal, but for me it feels like the end of the world. See, I don’t know who I am if I can’t write. I don’t know how to be, how to understand myself, the world, or really anything. And right now I need to, maybe more than I ever have.
I guess one psychoanalytic answer to this is that I can’t write because I can’t bear to face myself right now, or my situation. That not letting the words come out is my subconscious putting a blockade in front of the things that right now, I just really can’t deal with. But I need to write. I need to write the way most people need to breathe and I don’t know how to handle the fact that right now I just can’t seem to.
So please, if you’re reading this, if you have any answers, any suggestions, any ideas to get my voice back let me know. Because I’m really dying over here.